Interviews with Transplants
A Sampling of Stories from Minnesota Nice? A Transplant's Guided to Surviving & Thriving in Minnesota

Heads-up! These stories can be tough to read. 
The first 4 interviewees share many of the struggles and challenges transplants can have when living in Minnesota.  Reading these stories may help you feel not so alone and not so unique.  HOWEVER, if you'd like to skip the hard stuff and read stories of some transplant thrivers, jump down to the last 2 interviews at the bottom of the page (with Christopher and Tai). 

I grew up in North Dakota, just west of Fargo and graduated from Moorhead State.  Then I worked in a fishing resort in Alaska, backpacked Europe for a couple of months and went back to Alaska.  From there I moved to Iowa for a sales position in radio and then moved to Minnesota about 10 years ago. I’m now in graduate school for design and live in downtown Minneapolis.

What are you overall impressions of living here?  

When I first moved here from Iowa I worked for an architecture firm about the same size as the firm I was working at in Iowa. I felt the most out of place there then I ever have in my entire life.  

I’ve always thought it was me, that I wasn’t conforming because I never felt I fit in or was part of the crowd.  But I never ran into that in Iowa.  I always felt like I fit in there.  But I’ve never really felt that in any firm I’ve worked in here. 

Connection... it’s lack of connection.  I really felt kind of ostracized.  And I didn’t know if I did that to myself because I wasn’t fitting in or blending… I’ve always thought there was something not right, but couldn’t put my finger on it. I remember trying to figure this stuff out and found a lot of articles about living in Minnesota. About how they’re Minnesota nice to your face.  So true. I run into that a lot. They find their cliques and so many groups are so hard to break into.  

Well, maybe it’s just me… I took all kinds of personality tests. Maybe I have that type of personality type that doesn’t really meld with others? 

What’s your strategy?  

I grin and bear it.  Right now school is my focus.  I met this guy from Chicago recently and we just hit it off. The people I do tend to hit it off with aren’t from around here. One of my absolute favorite places to go is the East Coast - especially Boston.  My family says they’re so rude, but no, it’s just that they’re direct.  I hate this “I don’t want to hurt your feelings so I’m going to lie to you” thing you get here.  That causes more damage than anything.  

What’s one or two words that come to mind when you hear “Minnesota Nice?”

Funny. But really, it’s the sensitivity that I’ve always been annoyed by. I’ve been told that sometimes I’m just too honest. Is that really possible?  I don’t say anything to hurt anyone and often, they’ve asked…. I’ve learned from experience that I need to speak up. I just don’t care enough about what someone else thinks I should be.   

I passed your website to a friend who grew up in my same hometown. We were talking about how Minnesota is the kind of place I just want to get out of. My friend was saying he didn’t agree, didn’t understand, didn’t see it.  I sent a link to your site…and didn’t get any response from him. 

What’s your own personal definition of Minnesota Nice? 

Annoying. You get a reaction that’s not entirely honest - that’s passive-aggressive in nature. What I’ve experienced are people who are afraid to be openly honest with another person.  

There appears to be a lack of open lines of communication. 

Have you had any good experiences with Minnesota Nice?

I can’t think of any…. I’m thinking about many people who I’m good friends with who are from here and I can think of maybe just 2 or 3. But close friends? People I would confide in? I can’t think of any…  

Have you had to do anything to adapt yourself to be more successful or happy here?  

Kept my mouth shut. I pick my battles.  

I was engaged to a Minnesotan not too long ago. With her and her family, I was told a lot that I was too honest, too blunt. I apologized for anything I may have said, not intentionally hurting anyone. This shows a little sensitivity.. maybe a bit overly sensitive.  

I tried the online dating thing. It’s interesting about the shallowness of it… most of my relationships are very superficial.  

Do you have any advice for those just moving to Minnesota?

Just that it’s really hard and understand you’re not alone. And grin and bear it. I don’t think there’s really a solution to it. You can’t change anyone… change has to be internal. If it’s truly a problem find a good support system.  

Did I mention how much I love Chicago?  

I was born and raised in the South and have kind of done a loop around the U.S. since then that includes living in the Southwest, the West Coast, Nevada, and Colorado.  I’ve been living here for a year in a 3rd tier suburb of the Twin Cities.  We’re in a neighborhood that is pretty isolated by itself.  I say we live in the hicks.  We don’t have a lot of restaurants or shopping around us.  

When we lived out in Colorado we had the most wonderful neighborhood where we were immediately welcomed with open arms by several neighbors who brought by baked goods and gave us their phone numbers, and things like that.  We had book clubs, yearly Christmas parties, fun Halloween parties and games, block parties, neighborhood BBQ's and chili cook-offs. We all became very close even though we all were not necessarily born and raised in Colorado. My immediate neighbors knew that our home was always open and we had many, many parties in our basement.

Our nice world took a tailspin when my husband was offered a higher position and the only real option was moving. Being the social and adventurous people we are, we took the chance. I have never been unhappier in my life. It’s been a big mistake. I came into the neighborhood smiling, only to be ignored, glared at, and unwelcomed. I've lived here for one year and I still am unwelcome. I continue to smile, wave, volunteer, offer to help neighbors, etc. What a letdown.

We took one trip out here when my husband was offered a position. His boss flew us out here to check it out.  We chose the suburb we’re in so he’d have a short commute.  

We lived in a temporary place for about a month before we found our house to buy. Immediately - 2 weeks later - it was basically frozen solid  here and so I spent all those months until it started warming up in the spring basically not knowing anyone with the exception of a couple of moms I met when my kids were invited to a party. But overall when I opened my mouth they noticed an accent and then usually the first question is, where are you from? And the conversation usually ends at that point.  

When everything warmed up I expected to meet our neighbors. But nobody ever came over.  Nobody said “Welcome to the neighborhood.”  Basically the gist of everything we got was, “Oh, you’re from Colorado… you’re the people from Colorado” -- because of our car license plates.  

Eventually the kids wanted to do more playdates. The moms are just really stand-offish.  An example is one of the moms who would say “Hey you guys will have to come out on the boat with us sometimes.” She probably said that about four times over the summer but she never did invite us out on our boat… Sometime people have said, “We should get together for coffee,” but never say anything about when. It just never gets past basic chit-chat with people.

I’ve just basically tolerated it and assumed that that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We have some new next door neighbors who just moved in three weeks ago.  I’m a friendly person, I’ll just talk to people, and I’m been pretty resigned to the fact that people won’t talk to me. When I saw the mom at the bus stop I introduced myself and she said, “I’m very familiar with the neighborhood” and said, “Oh, you’re not from here.”  That was the end of it. She won’t look at me, she turns her back to me at the bus stop, she won’t talk, won’t smile, won't say good morning.

This is ridiculous. So immature. I consider it very narrow-minded. I don’t get it…

I have met one person who is from Wisconsin. I introduced myself at a park program and it came up the same day - she said, “Do you find it hard to meet people here?” and I said, “Absolutely” and she said, “I just didn't know if it was me or not…” We get together and have coffee here and there.

Here’s another story: I flew back out to Colorado to get our motor home in the spring and drive it back. When I called this local RV storage place and told the guy I was looking for a spot to rent and driving the RV from Colorado, he said they didn’t have any spots. He said, “Why don't you leave it in Colorado?” My husband went over to that place physically and that guy had plenty of spaces available. He rented one to him on the spot. Wow…  Isn’t that crazy?

What is your definition of Minnesota Nice?

I would say it’s a passive-aggressive way -- people smile to your face but they don’t mean it necessarily. It’s kind of a phony nice.  

If there is any one thing thats positive that has come out of this is that I realized something about my relationship with my mother-in-law. She’s always smiled to my face but has her own way of “helping.”  So now I realize that it’s the same thing - it’s passive-aggressive….

My husband has had huge problems as well being in Minnesota. He came in as VP of Sales so he runs the whole sales force. He found out that people do not like any change (which was what he was brought in to do - to change things for the better).  He’s encountered a lot of resistance with people.

If we had known then what we know now we would never have come here…

I’ve met a few people at our gym that I play tennis with who are super friendly.   But it’s strictly a tennis thing. That’s been a rewarding thing to do.

We have an RV and did a lot of camping over the summer… one of the nicest things was having an opportunity to camp at different lakes.  

Advice?

I would say it would depend on the person’s goals here.  If they want to become a part of the community - persevere with a smile and be nice.  I wouldn’t try to challenge anybody. If people are born and raised being this way I don’t think people would necessarily change.  

It just confuses me - baffles my brain- that people wouldn’t want to meet new people, learn new things from people from other places. Why is that so intimidating?  

What do I think Minnesota Nice is?

Minnesota Nice is a sense of a cooperative and competitive spirit in dealing with one another, with "cooperative" being the key ingredient.  Kind of short, but in my mind, this is what it boils down to.

Here’s my story and advice to other transplants:

Growing up mostly in Philadelphia, I almost went nuts when I started college at Winona State University back in 1960.  It was a big culture shock.  

It took me about a year with a couple of trips back to Philly, until I realized it's great up here.  I could finally breathe. I know Minnesota Nice can be frustrating, but being here since 1960, I enjoy the state a whole lot more than I did my Pennsylvania experiences.  

It cracked me up when I first hit Winona as I was told that when you walked down the streets there, people actually said "hello" to you.  Of course, I said, "no way."  When that happened in Philly, somebody was after something.

I had a colleague here [in Minnesota] who would say, “I’m so sick and tired of working with these people because they never say what they mean or mean what they say!”  It kind of drove us up a wall.  It gets to the point where you know you have to get something done and you want cooperation…  Well, the cooperation finally started to come over the years… maybe I was maturing a little bit.

Minnesota has changed me in a way I think.   When I was 20 or 21 I would do something and then say to myself, “Why did I do that?  Why was I rude?”  I had to learn to be a little more tactful…  I know a lot of times I would say what I felt and that was not a good thing to do.  You have to really try not to hurt other people’s feelings.  You have to be low key.

Early on I tended to speak a lot before I thought out what I was saying and sometimes I stuck my foot in my mouth.  Once I learned how to cool the jets and actually keep my mouth shut I started to be perceived a little bit better.

I also started to put myself in their shoes.  So if someone would say what should we do and I would say I want to do this instead, well that was my opinion.  Listening skills are key.  Keep your yap shut and understand where they're coming from!  Putting myself in their shoes, that probably was one of the biggest things I learned.  

Deal directly with the people too.  I found in HR that if we had trouble with someone I needed to go down and talk to them face-to-face.  I spent so many years in meetings, good grief!  Get rid of those things and then find the key participants and go talk to them directly.  Have lunch with them!  We were able to solve a lot of problems that way.

You have to get to know people.  I found people here were as friendly once I got to know them as they were out east.  It’s just a matter of living here…  I’m talking about some years….

It’s been an education.  

You have to adapt to it.  

The old thing that people here don’t want to change, that’s true, but now with all these mergers and acquisitions and things - you can’t stand still.  I think people have started to realize that.  It’s changed a lot since I moved here.  Things seem to be moving faster.  Attitudes are changing, the pace is changing … And you see traffic jams you've never seen 30 years ago!  

Overall my advice is not to take yourself so seriously.  

… And when in doubt, have a [Philly] cheese steak.

I was born and raised in Tehran in Iran.  I moved to the States for graduate school at the University of South Florida in Tampa.  After graduate school was done I was looking for jobs in the northeast and north of the country. My main goal was to move to New York but it was right after 9/11 and it was pretty challenging. I lived in San Francisco briefly and then I got a job offer and moved here to Minnesota in 2003 - a bit over 10 years now.  

There are certain things that I love about living here.  I love the cleanness of the city [Minneapolis] and the professionalism of the city.  There are a lot of fortune 500’s and great companies. All in all it’s a healthy city.  I’m big into sports and health; that part I enjoy.  I think it’s very much a cultural city.  There’s a lot to offer in terms of plays, museums… and it’s quite diverse to be honest.  Not in terms of ethnicities but in terms of its pretty progressive for a Midwestern city.  

The other thing I appreciate is that you see and meet a lot of professionals in this city (versus Tampa or Florida in general where you just wouldn’t meet as many educated people). Also, the people that live here, their main objective in life isn’t to get rich tomorrow. They have other dimensions in their life.   

There are some nice things - people are not locking their home, not being paranoid - but the other side of the coin is that they look very much inward

What’s one or two words that comes to mind when you hear “Minnesota Nice?”

Passive-aggressive. They’re never direct in what they want. They are very indirect. I’m coming from a very direct culture. There are a lot of things about this city that I love, but this thing about the people I absolutely hate. To be honest I’d go out of my way that the jobs I’m applying for have people I’d report to who are not from this state. I have reported to Minnesotans three times in my life and I never want to do that again. They never give feedback directly; they make you read between the lines. That can be a career killer to be honest unless you've been born and bred here. They’re very uncomfortable with confrontation so they don’t give you feedback right on the spot and be clear about it so you have a hard time course correcting. And it comes to yearly feedback and they say this was not working, that was not working, but they never said that before. I think that’s how Minnesotans deal with things, they just don’t say it. I think it’s very hard to understand where you’re standing with them whether that’s work or friendship, whether they’re nice because they think they should be nice or they really mean it. When someone is passive-aggressive you start questioning even the nice things that they do.  

I don’t want this to come across as somber feedback on Minnesotans. I think they have a lot of nice things… They’re a hardworking people, they have great work ethic.  If you’re working with them on a team they’re dependable.  

But definitely the passive-aggressive behavior is a challenge.  

What’s your own personal definition of Minnesota Nice?

I don’t call it Minnesota Nice.  If someone says from a different state and says, “Oh Minnesotans are so nice,” I’m like, “No, they’re passive-aggressive.” I think the most challenging thing that I had with this is at work more than anything else.  

The bosses that I have shined under were all non-Minnesotans and they were great, direct people.  But my feelings don’t get hurt if my boss is direct to me. My feelings would get hurt if they didn’t provide feedback on time and when they’re supposed to because I look at that as lack of leadership and management skills.  

Most of my friends are not from the state. They live here but they are not Minnesotan. But I have been dating a Minnesotan guy for almost 10 years. In the beginning that was a challenge. Like sometimes when I would ask him for his feedback he wouldn’t give that to me and would be politically correct about it. But I think over the course of the years I’ve teased him enough that he’s changed the way he communicates in terms of being direct about what he wants.  

When I moved here I was single and I was dating and it was not a good scene.  It’s definitely not the East Coast. I think that East Coast dating is much more fun.  And the other problem in this state is that everyone gets married at like 19!  

Have you had to adapt yourself at all to be more successful here?  

Oh yes, at work. I have definitely adapted and trained myself to play the game - the political game or that passive-aggressive game. I have learned to call them out indirectly.  For example, I start playing dumb. I think that is part of the passive-aggressive game. They try to be his nice sweet person, “I don’t know” and then when you dig into things you realize they do know. I’ll try to follow up on things and when I’m following up I try to play the game - “Oh I know you were busy and you were not able to get into x but can I get into this by date?”

The other thing in this state that very hard is to find are friends. It’s not like New York or Chicago or DC where there are many people from different walks of life. They have been born here, raised here, and all their friends are friends since they were two years old. It’s very hard to get into a group because they are very cliquey. Now that I have lived here for so long I’m not looking to have more friends. But really besides my boyfriend, I don’t have any Minnesotan friends.  

I am not one of those girls that I need to be ambitious to be my boyfriend's family’s best friend. I see them at Thanksgiving, Christmas… I see it in my friends that they want to be best friends with their significant other’s family. If I was not coming from a Persian culture a lot of these behaviors would be odd but in Persian culture the families are very close. If that was not the case I could not have been with my boyfriend at all because his family calls like 19 times over the weekend!  I guess when you’re in a relationship you do things because you love your significant other…. My boyfriend has always accepted me for who I was versus trying to change me.  

Do you have any advice for those just moving to Minnesota?

I would say that regardless of where they live I think the best thing for dating is to pick up something that you love.  If you like running join a running club, if you like wine join a wine club.  Then you’re not tied to the intensity of going on a date.  

I think that especially for the people who move here because of a relationship with a Minnesotan, I would definitely recommend that they need to build their own friendships and social life, versus just being very much attached to someone else. It’s a healthy way of doing things in my opinion.  

Also, I want to add that when Minnesotans talk about change and diversity they really talk about it as to check a box rather than really be open to it.  I think it might be the weather, it might be where the state is positioned….   Minnesotans hate change.  They think somewhere in their mind that change equals someone trying to change their roots and their upbringing. They take that very personally. And really, change has nothing to do with you personally - especially at work. Your market is changing, your customer needs are changing… a lot of things are changing at work.  

What’s my advice about that?  Just don't report to a Minnesotan.  

I grew up between Boston and Providence and went to college in my home town. After college, I moved to Cambridge and lived there for 8 years.  That’s where I met my wife, but she’s from here.  We came to Minneapolis to have our wedding and then moved here about a year later.

There are four of us couples in my wife’s “group”- The others are her friends from elementary school - they all went to different places and then all brought husbands back with them.  I’m the only one from Boston.  Two are from New York and one is from San Francisco.

One of the things that struck me first off is that here when I’m out walking every once in a while there’d be a car stuck in the crosswalk when the light changed.  In Boston you’d pretty much have to climb over a car to get through the crosswalk, but here people tend to see you and actually back up out of the intersection. The first time I saw that it blew my mind! People here are more conscious of being in a car and driving around in a car…. For me that was very bizarre, but in a surprisingly good way.

Before I moved here - just before our wedding - I was on the lightrail and was not feeling well.  I was desperate for a bathroom and ended up getting off at the nearest stop I could. A place called the Cardinal Bar was there.  I was late so I just ran in and put $5 down on the bar because I felt bad about just using their bathroom. The bartender looked at me and said, “Don’t do that.”  I’m not sure if it’s Minnesota Nice or just compassion - I thought that was a really nice move. Years later I made it a point to go to the Cardinal and leave a $20 tip for a cup of tea.

I moved here right before the 35W bridge collapsed. For me that was an amazing experience about how the city came together. To see the spirit of the people and how that affected them and the resolve to rebuild the bridge, that was a defining moment of understanding the culture and the spirit of the people in Minneapolis and Minnesota too-- the resiliency of people here.  

I think that built into the accent is a smile. It’s the way people talk - there’s a smile within. That’s part of what I think of.

There’s the fishing community I could talk about. I’ve wanted to go ice fishing for a long time.  You want to talk about a tough thing to break into!  After six years I have still not ended up in an ice house in the winter. I think it’s part of bonding time… you need to get close to the right guys to get into an ice house. Short of hiring a guide I really have no other way to learn about it.

I do feel people are a lot more outgoing to strangers here.  I walk in the morning in the dark - like 5:00 in the morning and I pass the same people every day.  Everyone says good morning, they make eye contact. There’s kind of a kinship that we’re all up really early.  

I think Minnesota Nice is being nice because it’s the easiest thing to do. It’s so much harder to say “no” to someone. I think that comes into it at times. If you get inconvenienced you don’t want to say “no” to someone… like if a neighbor asks them point blank to borrow their snow blower, they'll say “yes” and smile and worry about what condition they’ll get it back in and fret about it. But they say “yes.” It’s a lot easier for them to “yes” than to say “no.”  

My wife’s family is outstanding. They’re all the most generous and friendly people ever. I was welcomed into the family and it’s been a really great experience. They all spend a lot of time together - way more time than I ever did with my family members. I don’t know if it’s a family thing or a cultural thing. In my family we’d hang out once a month, maybe a couple times but never spend Sunday dinners with each other once a week, every Sunday, like my wife’s family does. We especially see a lot of each other during football season when they all get together to watch Vikings games.

I’ve heard this expression that a Minnesotan will tell you anything you want but not how to get to their house. Like with my wife, everyone has the same friends they’ve had for last 30 years. If they go away, they come back.  If you establish a relationship with someone it’s like well, they’ve got all the friends they want and don't need more.

I do have one Minnesotan friend… well, he’s actually from Wisconsin. One of nice things about the improv group I’m in is that we’re all transplants, all have the same experience. If didn’t have that… Well, there’d be some other organization I’d be a part of, because I need that. That’s typically how I meet friends by taking a class somewhere, joining groups, like that.  

Have you had to adapt yourself at all to be more successful here?  

I don’t think so. I’m a learning and development consultant - basically a corporate trainer and I work with people from across the country.  Part of it is that I am who I am.  I don’t think I’ve made any conscious efforts to change my personality. But I’m working with people from all around the country.

I’ve certainly learned how to dress for the cold!  

Do you have any advice for those just moving to Minnesota?

Find other people who have moved here. You’ll need a support network of outsiders. And if you want to get out and make friends take a class, volunteer somewhere, join and association or club. It’s all about putting yourself out there. 

I am originally from the East Coast.  I grew up in Philadelphia but I've lived in Maryland, New York and Delaware before coming to Minnesota.  I had a really interesting way of deciding to move here.  I did some research and found this website called findyourspot.com. I was putting all the information in about where I wanted to live and Minnesota came up on the list.  I did some more research and then decided to move here with my daughter.  So I've been here since then and I've loved it!  

When I first came here I was a remote employee for a Fortune 500 company so it was perfect because I got to work from home.  And while I was doing that I was also building a business on the side. Since then I've completely left my day job and I’m now a full-time coach, author, and the word I like to use is a brilliance catalyst.  I work with other coaches, consultants, and holistic practitioners to take what they know and turn it into a product they can sell.

What are your overall impressions of life here?

I will say that the first year I felt kind of tricked because that winter here was not so cold and I thought this was nothing.  And then next winter was like, wam!  

One of the things that I love here is that I can look up in the sky at night and see the stars. I know it sounds kind of silly, but when you live on the East Coast in a city that's heavily populated with lots of tall buildings you do not get to look up and see stars.  It's the simple things like that.  

It's also a really good place for family, and being a single parent when I moved here I really wanted a good place for my daughter.  I believe in public schools and so if I wanted to continue to support public schools I wanted to move to a place where they had good ones.  

The population here is highly educated. There are lots of colleges and universities and lots of innovation. At the time the business I was building on the side was more centered on career coaching so with the highly educated women who were here plus the corporations, it was a perfect fit.  

The women I've connected with are very friendly, very helpful, very family oriented.  One of the things I have grown to love is that they love to celebrate Minnesota brands, they really support the home team and that's something I really admire. They're helpful, friendly people, just really genuinely nice people, genuinely good people.

What’s one or two words that come to mind when you hear, “Minnesota Nice?”

Passive-aggressive. That's the big one!  But I would say it’s a politically correct niceness. I think on the outside people would say that's just passive-aggressive, but what I think on the inside is that there's people just trying to take the nice way about saying something or doing something or asking for what they need without being offensive.  

I just think it’s nice here.  Minnesota is nice.  It’s a really nice place to live. When I was doing research to move here one of the things I kept reading was that people would say after college that they would leave, but when they had families they always wanted to move back to Minnesota.  It really is a nice place to be.  

What’s your own personal definition of Minnesota Nice?

In all honesty, it's a local politeness.  There's no mal intention about it at all.  It's just the local way of being polite.  

How different is it from Philadelphia and other places you’ve lived on the East Coast?

If you’re not used to it, it feels more indirect.  So, for example, there's a woman here I'm good friends with and we were driving in the car and she kept saying, “Oh man I’m really warm. Are you warm?”  And we went through this whole exchange around three times and then it dawned on me that what she was really trying to say was “I'm warm, can you roll down the window?”  But she would never say that!  Instead she kept saying, "Are you warm?  Are you warm?” And I keep thinking, "Why does she keep asking me if I'm warm?" If we had been on the East Coast the person would have said, "I'm really warm, would you mind if I rolled down the window?" and I wouldn't have thought anything of it. That's the funniest example that I can think of.

I've talked to a number of other women about that as well. I found that it's more of a standard here that women do business with other women here instead of seeking out a man to do business with. This has been very interesting, but it can also make for really long, long, long networking relationships. So on the East Coast there's an expectation that if we meet at a business event we could do business together. But what it's meant here is that if I meet you at a networking event there's a really good chance we could have coffee. But nobody makes an offer to buy or sell anything and if you do make an offer to buy or sell anything I'm going to think you're pushy.  

Sometimes not giving your honest feedback is another way Minnesota Nice plays out in the business realm.  When I worked in New York I worked in a Fortune 500 retailer and it would drive me crazy because it was a team that was made primarily of women and you could never come out and say what you had to say.  You had to say something positive and then just wait for the other shoe to drop. It drove me nuts. And it happens a lot here. They really work hard to say something nice, but then they won't drop the other shoe. But I need that feedback – that honest feedback. I need that dialogue. And I think that makes it very difficult to get to 

the heart of why your business isn't working because people will not give you that direct feedback.  

This just happened yesterday.  I was at an event and someone showed the person their website or some product they had created and the person said, “Oh, so is that what you wanted that to be like?" It's not, "I don't really like that."  I've learned what that really means... 

How long do you think it took you to learn that – the code, that subtle way of communicating?

It took me about 6 months. You know, I listen to people and words are very important to me.  So I started off being very frustrated - like that whole conversation in the car. "Why are you asking me if I’m warm, over and over again?"  And so then I sat back and I thought about it.  What am I missing? And then I started to be mindful of that when I was in conversations with people.  And I would watch the body language and facial expressions which is another give-away here because a lot of people say things but if you pay particular attention to their nuance and their tone you can catch things. You can catch that there's a hesitation or you can sense that there's an underlying question. So I've got really good at making a joke about it and saying, “Hmm, it sounds like you’re thinking something else.” And just my natural inquisitive nature helped me to dig into those conversations and I was worried at times that people would feel I was being invasive but I have found that most people welcome the conversation.  And that was more that Minnesota Polite where I don't want to offend you, but if you ask me I'll tell you.

What is your advice to someone who is trying to give feedback and receive feedback from Minnesotans?

Make it really clear that you're okay with feedback no matter what it is, even making it lighthearted. Say, "I'm really curious about this right now, whether it's good, it's bad or it's indifferent. I just want to find out what you think about this, because I value that."  I find that people respond to that better than just saying, "Tell me what you think."  Letting people know that it's safe to give you that feedback, I think that’s a good communication strategy, period. And that's something I've used.  

And also, not taking it personal when people don't respond.  There are several occasions where I could have thought, "Well, that was very abrupt and that really didn't help me.” But I don’t take it personal anymore… Now, I'm still working on that with my husband!  

Here's an example about wanting to go to an event somewhere and inviting someone to come.  What they will say is, "Well I will check my calendar and I'll get back to you." And I'm like, "Well, we can view our calendars right here on our phone.”  "Oh nooo..."  What I used to think is “Well, why don't they just check their phone? They must not be tech savvy." But what I'm beginning to understand is that that is just their polite way of saying that event’s probably 

not a good fit for them. And well, okay.  So I'd say, "Well I'll send you an email" and they would say, "That'd be great."  And in both of those cases I’m thinking of I can guarantee you that they're okay to send me an email to say they're not interested but they're just not ready to do that face to face. They need that safety net because they don't want to offend you, but they can say it over email. That's one of the things that I've encountered a lot. 

It doesn’t sound like you’re resentful or angry about it.

I think that's just my nature not to be judgmental and always seeking to understand.  And once you realize that it's a cultural thing and not a personal thing, then it starts to make sense.  That's just the way it is here.  

What about passive-aggressive behavior?

I have more of that at home than anywhere.  It's kind of fun to nudge my husband, and we can laugh about it.  But when I first started bringing it up I would say, “Oh, you're just being Minnesota Nice” and he would say, "Oh, well, you're just being New York Mean."  [lots of laughter]  I would say, "Just TELL me if you want me to cook dinner."  But he would say, "Are you hungry?"

And if he wanted to sit in the comfy chair he would say, "Oh, did you want to use this other chair over here?"  "Nooo!"  [laugher] It would drive me crazy!  I would say, "Honey, just tell me." and he would say, "Well, I don't want to offend you, I don't want you to be mad."  Well, why would I be mad about that?  “You know there's no reason to be mad, I just like to be direct.”

I haven't been in a formal workplace here because I worked remotely [before having my own business] but I could see from my career coaching days this being a problem of transplants that work here because the expectation from a Minnesotan is that you offer.  The expectation for us is that we're asked. So if you want me to do something I'm expecting you to ask me to do it.  But they're expecting you to go out of your way to offer. And it's not even that they want you to do it, they just expect there to be an offer. And if you don’t offer you're considered kind of rude. But the challenge of that it is that it feels kind of disingenuous.  So you just want me to offer even though I know you don't want to do it and you're going to say no?  

I'm all for open dialogue. My husband and I have had these kinds of conversations. He'll offer something but I know he doesn't really want to do it and he expects me to say, "No, that's okay."  And I say, "Honey, if you don't really want to do it, that's fine, but what Ii don't want is for you to offer just because you think I want to hear it."  That's a little bit harder to do in the workplace, but if that's somebody's training company, I think they can make a lot of money by helping people have those kinds of conversations because the reality is if you're trying to build your company outside of Minnesota it's a skill set you're going to have to master.

I grew up in a home environment that was a little dysfunctional, but like most people have. It was an environment where my parents didn't always talk about what they wanted. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out stuff.  So at home [here] that hits me hard when I have to figure out what's wanted, what does that mean, what am I missing?  So that's why it was important to have this conversation with my husband.  And yes, there is some headway now.  For example, it used to drive me crazy when he would keep asking me where I wanted to go to eat. I'd say, "You just make a decision."  But we'd spend like 10 minutes on this, and then when I made a decision he would have all these other offers and then I would finally say, "What you really want is Mexican food, don't you?" and he would say, "Yea, right."  But he would keep asking me until I’d say, "Is it the Mexican place you really want to go to?"  It drove me nuts!  And so l would finally just start by saying, "Honey, would you like to go to the Mexican place?" and I would bring up his favorites first.  But now he's gotten to the point where he'll make the suggestion.  He'll say, "You know where I'd really like to go? I want to go to Chez Daniels" and I love that now.

Do you have any more advice for transplants?

Be friendly and don't take it personal.  It's never been personal, as far as I've experienced it.  People are far more open than we believe, especially coming from the East Coast where we think everyone has got their guard up.  But 9.9 times out of 10 it's not about that at all. 

What are some things you value about Minnesota?

I do appreciate the connectedness of the women here.  I grew up in the East Coast all my life. I've been here 4 years and I have the best network of women - women that are strong, open, progressive, passionate, purposeful, that are my friends, that are my peers, and that are my colleagues. And I think it’s amazing to have found those kinds of connections and feel so grounded in 4 years.  

The funny thing is that, remember, I have never worked in an office, this has all been business connections and networks… I love it, I love the women I have connected to here and I'm so grateful for the relationships I have.  

I didn't know anyone here at all when I moved here. I went on meetup.com and I looked for a single parents group. I found a single moms’ group and I asked them questions about neighborhoods. And when I got here the first thing I did was go to one of their meet-ups. And we're still close - 4 years later.  And one of them is one of my best friends… One is from Wisconsin or Iowa and the other 2 were born and raised in Minnesota. And my husband too, who I met online, was also born and raised in Minnesota and in fact was born and raised in this neighborhood.  He never left Inver Grove Heights.